Sunday, October 15, 2006

Time has flown and left me at the gate

I thought 2005 was a rough year, but 2006 is turning out to be a close second. I am still battling a tender right hamstring, painful bursitis or right hip flexors. And for over a week, a low back disc flare up, that is not responding to ice, exercise or Naprosen. So running has not been a normal activity for most of the year. I miss "being" a runner. There are so many positive benefits, but I not only have the pain keeping me stationary, but I've lost the motivation. I just don't care about much anymore. It may be clinical depression, or just what happens to 52 year old women who see the body slipping and sliding away. My mind isnt as sharp. I can just not think for a while and be content. There were some hopeful months for my son while he was in a recovery program. He got out on Sept 15, 2006 and we believed everything he said. We were so wrong. He immediately hooked up with the undesirable influences and despite our encouragement, he is not pursuing a relationship with God anymore. He tries to placate us occasionally with words, not actions. He stayed out all night Saturday, and didnt seem remorseful. Confrontation ensued, he has been given official notice that if curfews cant be followed, he will need to move out. He is paying us for room and board at almost 50% of his take home pay. He is 18+ and still has some big lessons to learn the hard way.
I joined a special group at my church Saturday. Its a group of ladies who want to run together, memorize scripture verses and become friends. I can learn verses easier than run but I want this to work. I ran for 30 minutes at Little Mulberry Park and didnt have too much pain. Today however, i cant get rid of the pain.
This past week I conceded another age related defeat. I have worn contacts for most of my life, but am giving them up. I need reading glasses so often that I may as well be wearing glasses all the time. I tried multi-focal contacts but they were not comfortable, could not get the distance part to work. The brain has to be retrained to process the optic image from each eye differently and the dominant eye really drives the train. I got so frustrated after going through 3 pair and the Dr. saying she couldnt do anything else. take it or leave it. i wrestled over this for days and finally gave up. with all the other negatives i'm battling right now physically and emotionally, i dont need this issue with my eyes. My husband had Lasik done a few years ago using the newest Innerweave technology and loves it. he has to use reading glasses a lot too, but distance is perfect. Since i dont work, i could never feel i deserved to spend that kind of money, so that is not an option. which brings up another whole can of worms. eventually i would like to return to working but have no clue how to start the process. I've researched many ideas and something always prevents it from working out. i'm not sure i could even learn anything important and new at this stage of my life. I've lost the sense of significance in most every way and all the markers previously defining my life are gone.
One new thing i am using to pass the time and keep my self sane is guitar playing. i play acoustic country and praise & worship stuff. I even wrote a worship song and our church worship leader liked the lyrics, gave me good advice on how to rework some melody and chords. I'm excited about pursuing this. We saw 7 concerts at Chastain Park this summer:
George Benson, Spyro Gyra, Clint Black, Randy Travis, The Doobie Brothers, Peter Frampton, Santana. Took friends and had a really good time. I even got to see an old band Allgood live twice at the Georgia Theatre. I'm also serving CBS on Mondays by playing guitar to a hymn and on Tuesdays I serve the musicians with power point, tech support, music selection. I dont exactly have a talent for this, but I can do something none of my friends care about. So they think i sound good, but i know my limits.
I dont know what my future holds but I know God is faithful to His seed and I am still pursuing HIm with desire and many questions.